As we get older, or at least for me, I start questioning ‘death’ like I was planning for a vacation sometime in the probable future.
A trip that I don’t necessarily work daily to get to, nor think about packing for, but every now and then I remember it’s a trip my ticket is already paid for with no returns and the date is blurry. Every now and again, I try to see the date in a better light without success. I know there is a date there… that much I’m certain, but I can’t really make out the numbers. Maybe it’s an 11 … or a six. Who knows.
That’s a reality we all have to consider. The great guarantee in life: death. Not taxes, because not everyone pays their taxes and have successfully gone far and long without doing it. Ask a republican. They may also have the secret to cheating death too!
I don’t regret what I wrote regarding my mother. I’ve been writing too long and too confidently to proclaim what I wrote was something i didn’t mean. No. I meant every word and stand by them. I just wish I had things differently; lived life differently, where I could have ended our strife with a significant amount of money to get her out of her situation and shut her up, succeeded in my goals to be a ‘good son’ and let her age gracefully debt free.
Rest assured, I do have other regrets:
I regret I wasn’t ‘successfully’ writing earlier. I regret I wasn’t as obsessed to get here that I’ve alienated friends and family. I regret that I’ve ruined lives along the way. I regret meeting people who have ruined my life. So on and so forth.
No, not a pity party. Insightful reasoning. We can talk all the hardcore ‘get up and start walking’ jazz all we want, but I think this era lost it’s ability to stop and think deeply. Everything must be fast. Articles online must be short and quick. Web series must be brief. Everyone is acknowledging the short attention span and they feed into it by giving the short attention span even less to think about.
Long drawn out thinking of anything more than 120 characters is not recommended in this day and age. As you know, I travel a road written by me so if I decide to change the way things are done, that is what must be done. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … a good story is like fine wine and MUST be told at it’s pace NOT the readers inability to keep up or slow down. You don’t write for the stupid … you write to enhance the stupid otherwise they will not learn or think from anything written.
How that connects to anything is the last regret: that I could actually NOT succeed in achieving personal career goals before, say, my mother passes; canceling my opportunity to prove to her once and for all I’m not who she thinks I am. Ahh, but to even care would mean I not trying to reason that I will NEVER be approved by her.
Death, however, shakes all reasoning and, likely, at that time, I’ll never have a chance to say or do anything anyway for her. Then all of the ‘you should have said this and that when she was alive”. Well friends, I said this, that and the other thing multiple times and it wasn’t being received.
No, nothing happened recently. Well, I had a bizarre dream earlier. Very disturbing. A neighbor was going through some domestic situation. Neighbors I didn’t know. I was being told to get away from the situation and come inside, but for some reason I stayed to see if I can help. The wife of the neighbor was out int he back chasing her kids inside and she was mad. She snapped some wood in two and was screaming. I saw the husband and nodded at him and asked if everything was okay. The people around me was concerned that he had a gun but i didn’t see it. The rest of the dream had me running and chased by dogs and the husband ended up having a gun and he was shooting at me … or at least in my direction but I couldn’t tell while I was running. But I knew dogs were chasing me and I climbed this fence, but on the other side was a yard full of dogs and the fence I was on was bending terribly.
Naturally I woke up. But something about this dream is sticking with me. Do I want to say a message? Who knows. from who? Why and what cause. None of the players, except one or two in the dream, had any meaning to me. I don’t own a dog and I didn’t know the neighbors. But I can say this … the wife of the neighbor was cute (lol) and something was telling me there was some impression of the husband thought she was cheating with me … but not really. More like he thought she was cheating and ANY man was a suitable target.
I do have one family friend in mind that roughly overlaps this scenario. They are divorcing even as we speak and he’s a cop. Plus they fit the ‘I know them but don’t really know them’ bill.
Hmm. It’s times like this when I start creeping myself out. The kids are sleeping and the house is quiet. No music or TV and I get this overhwhelming feeling like someone is looking over my shoulder as I write. I’ve practically turned my head to see a few time now. Very unsettling. Let me throw on SOME sort of background noise. LOL. Alarms on in the house so I’m good.
This sort of journal entry easily gets the ‘random crap’ category.
For the record, I don’t dream often and when I do it’s usually something that comes to pass within a 6 month to a year and I either remember it with no record of proof that I dreamed it a year prior … or I forget it and it feels like Déjà vu.
This one is sticking pretty hard. Almost remember every action and voice.
Officially got the heebie jeebies and just wait till I start writing that horror/scary novel before October.
ugh … enough of these bleak journal entries.
Corey A. Burkes Author/CEO
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